1. Peter’s birthday card from Cleveland – Truly laugh-out-loud funny
2. Birthday cake
3. Pedophile birthday
4. Pedophile extra – ice cream truck

Forgetting To Tuck In Your Nuts…Priceless

My children are angels. They were not born this way. They were raised this way.

I do not beat, maim, torture, brutalize or harm my children physically in any way to achieve their obedience, discipline and good manors. Neither does my wife.

We simply use flatulence to discipline our children.

It’s a simple practice really. If your children even hint at disobedience, you simply fart on them.

If you are not sure if they were disobedient, then you secretly fart more in their bedroom just before bed time.

The great thing about flatulent discipline is that they do not always have to be guilty and they do not always need to know that you farted on them. If your children have siblings, they will also start to self discipline each other. When one of your children farts, the others will have to wonder if mom or dad was responsible for the odor and therefore wonder if Mom and Dad were aware of what ever devilish behavior they were engaging in or contemplating.

This is also a great way to get grandpa and grandma into the discipline game. Grandparents are notorious for walk by farting, so much so that many comedians have made a very good living talking about grandparents that get the walking farts. Now, normally grandparents are push overs with their grandkids and fail to keep them disciplined. This often times gives parents a bit of a set back, but when flatulent discipline is exercised grandparents begin uncontrollably discipline the grandkids and this helps parents keep things in balance.

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.
(On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate’s staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. While I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, she interrupted me with, ”I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts ” Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ”Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ”

Her response – click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando .

He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.

I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, ‘Don’t lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!”20(OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife who asked, ”Is it possible to see England fromCanada ?” I said, ”No..” She said, ”But they look so close on the map. (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ”I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.” (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained thatMichigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ”Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?” I said, ‘No, why do you ask?‘

She replied, ”Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a20tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!” After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it (I was dying laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , CA is (FAT – Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator’s aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ”Would it be cheaper to fly to California , and then take the train toHawaii ?”

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?” I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ”I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

10. A lady Senator called and said, ”I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida .. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?’‘ I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said, ”Yeah, whatever, smarty!”

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. ‘Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many time s and never had to have one of those.” I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ”Look, I’ ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”

12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ”I want to go fromChicago to Rhino, New York.” I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ”Are you sure that’s the name of the town?” ”Yes, what flights do you have?’‘ replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ”I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Rhino anywhere.’ ”The lady retorted, ”Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!”

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ”You don’t mean Buffalo , do you?” The reply?

”Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.”

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it’s in! Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED!

Since the beginning of the year millions of computers have become infected with the infamous Conficker virus.

After two months in office the Obama administration may be covering up the source, former Vice President Cheney Vader may have been the master mind behind this virus. The Bush Administration wanted to find some way to show that Obama wasn’t protecting the country, but they did not want to allow more people to die like they did in 9/11.

So this time they are trying out a computer virus set to go off on April Fool’s day. But the virus is no joke, or at least not a harmless joke.

The virus installs a worm on your computer, which then proceeds to attach to Google Desktop where it looks for any positive contextual references in your documents or email that mention Barack Obama. If the worm finds such a mention from you, it proceeds to then email itself to everyone of your contacts and infect them, then kills your hard drive.

The only apparent way to defend against this virus is to contribute $1,000 or more to the George W Bush Presidential Library.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?’

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says
‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blond girl.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blond woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blond and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blond and a professional wrestler.

‘Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?’

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, ‘No, no… not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’

The Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve the gene pool by accidentally removing themselves from it.

The 58-year-old Texan couldn’t ingest alcohol by mouth because of painful medical problems with his throat.

He took to taking alcohol by enema instead but died after taking two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry.

First runners-up, and Double Darwin winners, were a young South Carolina couple, both 21, found naked and dead in the road in the early hours.

Police were initially baffled, until they found two sets of neatly folded clothes on top of a nearby building with a pyramid-shaped roof.

Other runners-up included:

An East German man who electrocuted himself when he tried to get rid of moles by pounding metal rods into the ground and connecting them to a high-voltage power line.

A West Virginia man who was crushed while dismantling a rundown barn. He fired up his chainsaw and ripped through a crucial support post, bringing down the whole structure on himself.

An Illinois man who won a game of chicken to see who could stay on a railway line the longest in the path of an oncoming train.

And a 29-year-old computer tutor who was killed in California while driving and working on his laptop at the same time. He was killed by oncoming traffic.

The moral of the pictorial, of course, is:

Don’t complain about your kids — unless one of these is yours.

Coke Hog

Jennifer Connelly has been in some fantastic and/or critically acclaimed movies (Requiem for a Dream, A Beautiful Mind, ..), some movies that I liked but others did not (Dark Water), and some really crappy ones (Hulk).

I still have not seen the classic Jennifer Connelly –David Bowie movie, Labyrinth.

But her presence in a movie, regardless of the plot, sure as hell brightens it up for me — even when it’s an extremely depressing movie like House of Sand and Fog where she is a practicing addict who just can’t seem to get her shit together.

Jennifer Lynn Connelly, an American Oscar-winning film actress, was born December 12, 1970. Although she has been working in the film industry since she was a teenager, and was catapulted to fame on the basis of her appearances in films like Labyrinth and Career Opportunities, she did not receive critical acclaim for her work until the 2000 drama Requiem for a Dream ( a pretty damn rough movie to watch), and the 2001 biography A Beautiful Mind, for which she won an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress.

There is one feature in particular that makes Jennifer Connelly climb to the higher regions of the lists of women I find physically appealing, and if you, dear reader, ever read what I write on here about the beautiful women I celebrate on this pictorial blog – and you probably do not read this, you just look at the pictures – you can surely guess what feature I’m going on and on about.

She has outstanding eyes!

Jennifer Connelly was born in the Catskill Mountains, New York to Gerard Connelly (a clothing manufacturer) and Eileen (an antiques dealer); Connelly’s father is a Catholic of Irish and Norwegian descent, while her mother’s family consists of Jewish immigrants from Russia and Poland. Jennifer was raised in Brooklyn Heights, in Brooklyn near the Brooklyn Bridge, attended St. Ann’s School, except for four years the family spent living in Woodstock, New York. One of her father’s friends he knew through the garment trade was an advertising executive.

This advertising executive friend of Jennifer’s father suggested Jennifer audition at a modeling agency. At the age of 10, her career started in newspaper and magazine ads, then moved to television commercials.

Jennifer has thick black eyebrows. Most women do a lot more plucking than Jennifer. Oh, I am not saying they are bushy or anything; I’m not complaining. Basically, Jennifer Connelly has this wonderful natural look that is so damn appealing to me.

Horror Movie – Dark Water

DARK WATER approaches modern domestic anxiety from an original angle: that of a devoted mother who will go to unimaginable lengths to protect her daughter from an apartment that threatens to literally unleash a torrent of fury. Studying the mind-bending, heart-stopping territory where everyday reality encounters the darkest supernatural mysteries.

Acclaimed director Walter Salles (“Central Station,” “The Motorcycle Diaries”) makes his Hollywood debut bringing to life a tale of psychological terror that probes unsettling questions about where we live, who we can trust and the things that we fear the most, DARK WATER revisits anew an original Japanese short story by highly regarded horror writer Koji Suzuki, author of “The Ring”. The screenplay was written by Rafael Yglesias. Who also wrote Roman Polanski’s “Death and the Maiden,” Peter Weir’s “Fearless,” an adaptation of his own novel.

Jennifer Connelly Resources

IMDB – Jennifer Connelly Filmography

Ask Men – Jennifer Connelly

A decent bio on Jennifer Connelly

Palace of Horror – Jennifer Connelly

Dark Water

Glam

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but…..Something happened. I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is,
your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did – better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap; new penis is $1,000 an inch.

The man perks up at this.

“So,” the doctor says, “it’s for you to decide how ma n y inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she play a role in helping you make the decision.”

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.

“So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
“I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you in making the decision?”
“She has,” says the man.
“And what is it?” asks the doctor.

“We’re getting a new kitchen.”